Holy Nelson and the Uhuru Cave

Thanks to Hurricane from: topix.com
At last: the book on Holy Nelson that reveals all.

• (When reading this story it should be recalled that The USA, Canada, Amnesty International and many other organizations had classified Nelson Mandela as a terrorist. Mandela was prevented from travelling to the USA or Canada for many years before the restrictions on his person were lifted.
• By the way, Mandela was genuinely given a new Mercedes... no charge.)

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Nelson and the Uhuru Cave.

by 

Hurricane 

MANY, many years ago there lived in South Africa a little black man called Nelson. When he was young, he was called Little Nelson. Little Nelson was poor, and survived by herding cattle and goats in and around his family’s kraal. One day when he was out in the veld watching his family’s animals, he saw forty naked black men coming toward him. Fearing they might be robbers, he climbed a tree to hide. Near the tree there was a steep bank formed of solid rock. When the forty naked black men came to the rock, one, who seemed to be the chief, took out a AK47 rifle, shot one of the other black men dead, and said the words, "Open, Uhuru!" Instantly a door opened in the rock, and they all passed through, and the door closed after them.

Little Nelson stayed in the tree, and after a while the door opened again, and the forty black men, at this stage down to only thirty-nine, came out. They were now all dressed in fine suits, and were all loaded up with gold and silver and great bags of money. The Chief closed the door by once again taking his AK47 rifle and shooting another man dead, saying, "Shut, Uhuru!". Then they walked away.

Little Nelson was very impressed with all this. Because he was also naked, and he would have liked nothing better than to wear a nice fine suit and have lots of money. When the black men were out of sight, Little Nelson came down, and, going up to the rock, said, "Open, Uhuru!" But the door refused to open, because Little Nelson did not have a rifle, and there was no one to shoot anyway.

Deep in thought, Little Nelson walked home that evening. He did not tell the other people in his kraal, but he promised himself to one day have an AK47 rifle and shoot other people dead, too, so he could also get a nice fine suit to wear and have lots of money. He knew that if he told them, they would know what he wanted, making it more difficult for him to shoot them and get all those riches in the Uhuru cave later. So Little Nelson kept the secret of the Uhuru cave to himself and carried on tending his family’s cattle and goats for the time being.

When Little Nelson became Big Nelson, he went away to the City of the White Man, since he realised that at that stage in South Africa only the White Man had what he wanted. There, he learnt to become a lawyer, because he knew that lawyers get into contact with terrorists, and terrorists have AK47 rifles, and with Ak47 rifles you can shoot other people, like Little Nelson, now Big Nelson, wanted to in order to get his hands on all that lovely money in the Uhuru cave. And soon he hit the jackpot, when he met some white terrorists, who were busy collecting AK47 rifles and many other lovely gadgets to kill and maim people, like landmines and explosives. Big Nelson eagerly joined their innocent little terror group in order to obtain the means to kill people. He did not really care for his fellow-black people, like his white terrorist friends pretended to care. What he cared about was to have a weapon, so he could use it to get a nice suit and lots of money from the Uhuru cave.

But just as Big Nelson and his lovable terrorist friends got into the swing of getting all the lovely weaponry to terrorise and kill, the Big White Chief, Baas Hendrik, found out about them and arrested Big Nelson. Nelson's white friends, who had been only too glad to find a stupid little black man like Nelson to do all the dirty terror work and take the rap if things go wrong, ran off overseas, leaving Big Nelson to face the White Man’s court. There, Big Nelson was sentenced to life imprisonment, and shipped off to a little island called Robben Island.

On Robben Island, where Big Nelson stayed for many, many years, Big Nelson became Holy Nelson. Realising that it was not so easy to get hold of an AK47 rifle and shoot people without facing the White Man’s court, he gladly cooperated with a new order by all the cronies and secret backers of his former white terrorist friends, who were now organising weapons and bombs from overseas. This new order meant for a black man to become a Holy Man, for the many stupid white people in South Africa and overseas to admire and one day accept as their Big Black Baas. Once there was such a Big Black Baas, and there was no Big White Baas anymore, the AK47 rifles could come in freely, and the Uhuru cave could be plundered to their heart’s content. So Big Nelson, now Holy Nelson, stayed on his little island and became holier and holier and holier, as the years went by. Near the end of his time, he had become so holy that he even fooled the Big White Baas ruling at the time, who was quite a bit less clever than Baas Hendrik, who had been killed by Holy Nelson’s white cronies long ago.

So one day the last Big White Baas let Holy Nelson out of his little cell on Robben Island, telling his fellow-whites that they had to ‘reform’. What he actually meant, of course, was that he wanted to make Holy Nelson the first Big Black Baas, so Holy Nelson would be thankful and give him a small part of all that lovely boodle in the Uhuru cave. And Holy Nelson agreed, knowing that once he was the Big Black Baas, he could do what he liked.

So it came to pass that Holy Nelson became the first Big Black Baas. Most of the dumb whiteys believed the last Big White Baas’ story about the necessity of so-called ‘reforms’, not realising this meant their hand-over to the big Black Baas and his henchmen. For the inauguration of Holy Nelson as First Big Black Baas, the country was very gay; many strangers from all parts of the globe arrived to gloat over the hand-over of all the whites to a black Baas. And so Holy Nelson ruled for a few years, before handing over to the Second Big Black Baas. And the Second Big Black Baas rules until he officially hands over to the Third Big Black Baas, and so on ad infinitum.

And since Holy Nelson became the First Big Black Baas, he and every black Baas were able to get into the Uhuru cave to loot and plunder as much as possible. Holy Nelson and his successors made sure they were never short of AK47’s and all sorts of killing gadgets again, and they shot and killed thousands and thousands of innocent people, both black and white. This way, they built up such a nice stock of killings that whenever any black said ‘Open Uhuru!”, the Uhuru cave opened up immediately .to let him in. Once inside, he or she could pick and chose from gold and silver, and funds and shares, and bags and bags of wonderful money, and even brand-new Mercs and BMW’s. So far, the huge Uhuru cave has not let anyone down. But voices have gone up to warn that, sooner or later, there won’t be many people left to shoot dead, and the Uhuru cave will become closed again. Then many of the black Base might have to get out of their fine suits, put on their riempies, and go back to tending cattle and goats. If by that time they will still be able to remember how to look after cattle and goats that is....
-The End.

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• Very good story Hurricane, except that it took me a while after I had finished it to realize that it might not all be true. After all, Winnie would have emptied the Uhuru cave long before Holy Nelson left his fine cell on Robben Island.